#I know grief comes and goes. how do I stop myself from going offline every time someone near me coughs

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

i don’t think i’ve really been present mentally at all today. i’ve started to think i just zone out of everything way more often than i realise because there are moments where i do zone in and actually get a bit distressed because suddenly i’m so present and am not used to it at all. but today has just been especially bad with my sibling being a bit sick because suddenly i feel like a lot of the work i’ve done to not be on guard all the time is just gonna be gone. today barely felt real though like i was just going through the motions and wasn’t even thinking anything because my brain just wasn’t present

[visionsofus]

angsty 29 please? :)

Hi anon! thank you for requesting some angst, I love writing it ☺️

I've done a longer sick fic and an injured fic too but I think it's about time I write another. Hmm, if anyone wants to send a more detailed sick fic prompt I'd be more than happy to provide the angst.

Also just while thinking about this prompt I had an idea for an ‘emergency contact’ fic but Wanda’s on the run and hasn’t seen Vis in a year? She gets into an accident and Vision arrives at the hospital all frantic? Maybe I could write that too.

29. How do they handle disasters or emergencies? Minor injuries? Sickness?

For now, a disaster fic in which the compound is victim of a cyber attack, Vision goes up against it and gets in trouble.

For a second Wanda thought that maybe the power had simply gone out, it was a plausible enough explanation for all the lights suddenly shutting off. But the compound was powered by arc reactors and Wanda knew enough about them to understand they wouldn’t be affected by a power outage.

“Friday?” Wanda called out to the air, suddenly feeling far more alone with the lights out. Tony’s AI did not respond.

Familiar enough with the layout of her room and relying on a shaft of moonlight from the open window, Wanda made it to her door and opened it.

Down the corridor she heard Sam’s door open and a distinct “What the fuck?” emerge. Wanda used the wall to reach him, touching his shoulder once she was near enough.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked.

“I have no idea,” Wanda said and was just able to make out Sam fishing his phone from his jeans.

The screen should have lit up, but it didn’t. “It was fully charged,’ Sam said, confused. Wanda didn’t know what that meant but it certainly couldn’t be good. She raised a hand and summoned forth a ball of red energy, it cast a distorted red haze across the walls around them but was better than nothing.

Walking slowly, they made it down the stairs and into the living room to find that someone had lit some candles where their teammates had gathered together. Tony had a tablet in front of him, but its screen was dark just like Sam’s phone. Everyone was murmuring in concern, looking to Tony for direction.

“—this shouldn’t be happening, even I can’t hack our system, the firewalls are too tight—” Tony was speaking quickly and not acknowledging the concerned whispers of his friends, all attention directed at Vision.

Wanda released her powers and went to Vision’s side instantly. His posture was tight enough for Wanda to tell he was in some sort of pain. It took all her control not to take his hand and syphon that pain off onto herself.

“This is not generic hacking, it’s a targeted cyber-attack.”

Tony stood immediately, a new urgency about his face. Wanda had never seen him look startled, let alone scared. “Vision you have to cut yourself off now!”

But whatever risk Tony’s foresight had identified, it was too late. Vision went rigid and Wanda cried out in panic as she watched him fall to his knees, shoulders trembling as though under a great, invisible weight.

She didn’t hesitate now and threw herself to the floor beside him, both hands on his cheeks. “Vision!”

Every muscle appeared to have pulled taught and his vibranium turned to stone in response to whatever was going on within his mind. Wanda watched on in horror as Vision’s eyes went wide and then blank. Never before had she looked into the synthezoid’s eyes and not recognised him. The blue had gone cold and unwelcoming and it sent a chill down Wanda’s spine.

“Maximoff, get away from him,” Tony said urgently, gesturing for the rest of the team to back away “If they’ve compromised him, they can control him.”

“Bruce, how’s the back-up generator?” Tony cried into a radio.

Bruce Banner’s voice crackled over in response, “Almost done.”

“Wanda, please,” Nat said stepping forward and putting a hand on Wanda’s shoulder to draw her away. She shook it off in frustration and moved her hands higher, placing them at Vision’s temple.

Wanda had delved into Vision’s mind before but only with his permission. Her first few months at the compound, when her nightmares were particularly bad, a touch of the hand from Vision and he’d invite her into his tranquil brain to deter her terror. Occasionally, Vision preferred to use the telepathy rather than speaking aloud, he found it particularly useful when he couldn’t find the words to vocalise a certain feeling. Never before had Wanda been forced to intrude in this way. But as she pressed forward, she found little resistance.

In the real-world Wanda gasped, winded as she was abruptly dragged into Vision’s mind. He pulled her in desperately, only conscious enough to recognise her familiarity.

In her mind’s eye Wanda was in a small, cramped room. There was a window set into one wall with rain streaming down it, though she wasn’t sure how that was possible. Far above she heard the crackle of thunder and further away what might have been a fire alarm. Vision was tucked up on an old armchair, his head tilted to the side and his eyes closed. For a second Wanda’s heart stopped — but no there it was, the tell-tale rise and fall of his chest.

She reached his side instantaneously, her body not fully present. As she did, Vision’s eyes opened, at first panic stricken but relaxing when he saw her.

“Wanda, darling,” Vision said, holding a hand out for her. But Wanda wasn’t really there, and so couldn’t take it.

“Vision, we have to go, you need to wake up,” Wanda said desperately, not sure if she was thinking it or speaking aloud.

In the distance she heard Tony’s voice, but could barely make out what he was saying. You need to get him to go offline, Wanda.

In the seconds that it took her to divert her attention to Tony, she lost her grip with Vision. The space shifted around them and suddenly they were in another room. For a moment she didn’t recognise where they were, after all, she had only been in Avenger’s tower once, two years earlier. The room was frayed round the edges, like it had slipped Vision’s mind, but the centre scene was clear as it had been the night he was created.

Vision stood before his cradle.

“Vision?” Wanda asked hesitantly moving forward. “What’s going on?”

She recalled Tony’s warning.

“You have to go offline,” she said, hoping Vision would know what that meant.

“I cannot.” Vision’s voice echoed when he spoke, as though it were coming from all around her. “I cannot.”

“Why not?” Wanda asked, reaching out to touch him. Forgetting that she had no hand, that she was merely a presence within his head.

“I disconnect myself then that’s it…” Vision’s voice was growing quieter, and beyond it a loud alarm could be heard. “I am of no use without my mind.”

“That’s not true, Vision,” Wanda pleaded.

“Hurry up Maximoff!” Tony sounded fearful.

“Vision, please, switch it off!”

“I am nothing without this.” Vision looked intently at the cradle.

“You are not nothing!” Wanda yelled, her voice almost drowned out by the chorus of alarms now echoing in her head, uncertain if they were from the real world or a product of Vision’s mind. “You are you, even without a direct line to every piece of knowledge known to humanity!”

Certain that her words weren’t having an effect, Wanda reached deeper, beyond words and followed Vision’s example. She let him into her head. Dragged him into the intimate depths where she kept her fondest memories, guarded beyond steel walls so they might never be taken from her. She let him feel how she felt, let him see his friendships with their teammates from her perspective, she let him see exactly how extraordinary she thought him. And for added measure she let him taste the smallest touch of grief she might feel if he was ever taken from her.

Vision in the Avenger’s tower staggered towards the cradle even as Wanda was thrown from his mind. The last thing she saw was him gripping the power source of the cradle and ripping it out.

Back in the physical realm Wanda’s eyes locked on Vision’s, which were familiar once more. There were voices roiling around them as Tony talked about damage control and what they might have lost, but the lights were coming back on and Vision was here, so Wanda drowned it all out.

“It’s so quiet,” Vision whispered, his eyes were unfocused, “so, so quiet.”

“What do I do?” He whispered fearfully.

Wanda was ready when Vision fell forward, catching his shoulders and letting him lean against her. She caressed the back of his head comfortingly. “You’re ok, you’re here,” she whispered as he clung to her. “You’re safe, I’m here.”

I'm so sorry if this sucked I think I've lost all my words recently

(ask me a prompt from this list and I'll give you a drabble - we'll ignore that this was longer than your typical drabble)

[kagebros]

Sanctuary (A Shockop Fic)

Summary: Months after Dark Cybertron, Shockwave wants to change their frame. Here's the introspection that comes along with that desire. Warnings: N/A Word Count: 1501

4 million years. It had been over 4 million years that they had felt something. That an emotion was remotely tangible. No longer having to grasp for it as it came back easily. 

No one said it was easy managing them though. When they felt angry, their frame grew hot, filials leaning back as their frame shook. Like an Earth chihuahua ready to lash out. When they felt sad, the hollowness and pain in their chassis would weigh down upon them, filials leaned back all the way, optic in a low golden light, but no tears were shed because they didn’t have the face for it. When they were happy, their filials would waggle back and forth, arms and servos moving frantically about, in a flapping movement like they did before the shadowplay and empurata, optic curled into a crescent to communicate their happiness. It was these little things that they didn’t exactly mind. But sometimes when they felt a surge of emotions, it was overwhelming and easy to feel flooded with static. It was mind numbing. 

The nightmares weren’t exactly the best either. Flashes of memories during the war, back when they felt nothing. Back when they were free to experiment in the name of science. Often in an unhinged manner that made the rest of the Decepticons shudder in fear or cringe in disgust. They’d wake up in the middle of the night. Frame cold, shaking in fear to the point where Optimus would use his arm to pull them close to him in a way to reassure them that this was real. That this was now. That that was then. And that they won’t go back to the way they were. They beat it after all. The shadowplay. There were times they missed it though. The comfort of not having to worry about upholding an image or composure. The comfort of avoiding grief, jealousy, anger, fear, _loneliness _altogether. But would they ever truly be happy then? Of course not. The shadowplay took everything away after all. They would have felt simply neutral. Nothing. They ask themselves every now and then why they would ever want to go back to nothing. It’s hard some days, wanting to go back to nothing. But then they look to Optimus. They look at him and they feel only the most wonderful feelings. It makes it all worth it. 

After all, what is not more wonderful to feel than love?

But the nightmares aren’t getting any better. And every time they look in the mirror it feels foreign. Like it’s not them. Like this frame doesn’t belong to them. Shadowplayed Shockwave may have had 4 million years to get used to this frame. But not now. Not this Shockwave. Not the one who had broken free of the shadowplay. They would have happily gone under a frame change_ under their own terms_. But this? This wasn’t their own terms. It was forced upon them. This was the Senate’s making. This was ultimately Proteus’ work. And Shockwave wanted none of that as acting as a reminder of Proteus’ cruelty. It never was about practicality or even vanity. As much as Shockwave had prided themselves of their looks in the past. It was a way to heal. Or at least start the healing process. Normal wasn’t exactly a standard they would ever meet up to anymore. That wasn’t their goal though. Normal never was part of their vocabulary in the first place. Changing their paint colours, having emotional outbursts that immediately branded them as “unbecoming of a senator”, taking in outliers to care as their own. To hell with normal. 

So when Optimus asks why they want to change, why they want to go back to their old frame, why they want to get rid of the cannon, Shockwave sits him down.

“It’s not a matter of wanting my servos back. It’s because I want to get rid of the weapon that I chose because I deemed it important and efficient for the war. When I was given the option to get my servos back, I opted for one servos and the other as a cannon, A weapon. A tool of war. But this isn’t the war anymore, this isn’t a world of violence as it used to be for the last four million years. And I most certainly don’t want to add to that. Not anymore.”

They sighed heavily in frustration. 

“I _hate _this frame, Orion. I hate what I did in this frame. All the monstrous deeds, all the memories that I should only see in my nightmares but it was a reality for me. Why would I want to stay in a constant reminder of all the horrific experiments I did when I wasn’t myself... I just want to change it. To look like something that isn’t Proteus’ work, to look like someone who didn’t do all of those awful awful experiments. Because despite how hard I try to look past it. That dead bastard is still looming in the shadows of my mind and those memories remain. Maybe this is a way to get him out. Or it’s just a way to lord it over him since well. I’m alive. He’s dead. Thankfully. And maybe I won’t hate looking at myself in the mirror if I were to do this.”

“Will it stop the nightmares though?”

“No, that’s absurd. Those won’t be stopping anytime soon. But this will put me in some ease at least. To know I won’t have the ability to harm again,” they glanced at their cannon, long decommissioned for their own safety and the wellbeing of others. “It most certainly won’t stop the pain I experience every once in a while but there are ways to work around that,” they said, waving their servos. “Just taking this… one step at a time, I guess. This step being my servos and my frame. Getting rid of the cannon will be a big relief, that I am certain. At least I’ll have some agency over myself again.”

“Well, for what it's worth,” Optimus then said. “I can’t wait to see that smile of yours again,” he smiled. Shockwave laughed.

“I think I’m going to be making all sorts of expressions, Orion.”

“Well, nothing I’m not used to,” Optimus chuckled.

“What does that mean,” they scoffed playfully, nudging his shoulder. 

“You made faces, whenever you were working, thinking about something,” he shrugged. 

“Aww, you paid attention to me that much?” Shockwave teased. Optimus only chuckled. They then sighed and leaned their helm against his, closing their optic. “I’m sorry you waited so long for me,” they then said. 

“Don’t be,” Optimus murmured. “It was worth it.” He then kissed the tip of their helm and their filials fluttered. They could hear the subtle purring coming from him and they reluctantly pulled away. 

“I have to go, my therapy appointment is soon,” they said, getting out of the chair. “After that, making the appointment for my frame...” they thought out loud. 

“Are you sure you want to go through this?”

“This I am certain, Orion,” they replied. They understood why he was concerned. He didn’t want them to go through this only to be disappointed in the end. 

“I’ll support whichever decision you go with no matter what. After all, there’s only one Shockwave I love. And that’s you.” ‘It will always be you’ was left unsaid. 

“You always manage to be such a comfort to me, Orion,” Shockwave said fondly. 

“What about me brings so much comfort to you,” he smiled lazily, resting his helm on his servos. 

“You simply existing, being here by my side,” Shockwave replied. This was a verbal waltz the two had every day. “After all you’re still my brightest hope.” Bringing each other up. Repeating the same phrases in a different variation as if to reassure each other that this was right, that this is what they deserved. Both of them. “Ok, you’re going to make me late!” they then laughed. “I’ll see you in the evening.”

Their frame appointment goes smoothly. When they return to the apartment Optimus and Shockwave share, they immediately enter and see Optimus napping in their berthroom. With a soft chuckle, they enter and slide in beside him, their arm propping their helm up as they look at him. When he stirs his optics online with a flicker, their blue dim at first before brightening. And he sees them. He sees them and they’re giving him the brightest smile, their golden optics bright and full of affection. The paint they’ve given themselves are white with lilac and mint highlights. 

“What do you think?” they asked quietly. There’s no response. Only Optimus’ servos reaching for the back of their neck and pulling them close in an embrace as he captures their dermas, kissing them ever so gently. Their optics flicker offline and the two stay there as Shockwave falls into his embrace. 

This can be manageable. Oh so very very manageable. 

[kagebros]

If I’m Being Honest (A Shockop Fic)

Summary: Could you love this? Will this one be right. Well if I’m being honest. I’m hoping it might.  Warnings: Self Harm Word Count: 1432

“I expect you shall try reasoning with me.”

“I fear that would make for a somewhat stilted conversation. After all. We’ve been strangers for the last four million years.” He paused. “The Shockwave I once knew - my Shockwave, was full of life. They’d laugh at the world one minute, throw punches at it the next. That Shockwave died when the senate took a pair of scissors to their brain and cut their personality into new shapes.” He stopped once more, emotion surging with him and he spoke again. “You died in an instant, one twist of a scalpel and it was over. But me? I bled to death slowly. A thousand battles, a thousand cuts, every Autobot fatality a reminder of my many failings as a leader.” He stepped forward towards them. “And when I sacrificed the Matrix to save Cybertron, only for the people to reject me. I realised I was spent, all I had left to give was my name.” The one you gave me, he wanted to say. “I owe my resurrection to someone who remembered me at my best. Let me do that for you, Shockwave. Let me remind you what you used to be. And what you can be again.”

Something in Shockwave’s processor twitched and came to life, at first pulsing weakly, as if it were a weak glow, barely able to be seen in the darkness. As Megatron and Orion attempted to appeal to them, that weak light soon began to grow brighter and brighter, until everything flooded into their mind and shone through like the brightest star in the sky, piercing through the darkness and forcing it to dissipate. 

“Urrgh! My brain!” They paused, emotions flooding into them as memories of the war began to overwhelm them. “What have I done? What happened to me?! What have they turned me into?!” 

Orion never thought he’d feel this feeling again but hearing Shockwave, HIS Shockwave, awakened something that he thought would never experience again.

“Fight it, Shockwave! Fight the shadowplay!” he encouraged. “Think of who you were.” He couldn’t find the words before they came to him naturally. “Think of us! Think of our bench, the Ark 1 Memorial Park, our bench by the inscription! Next to the energon bar that was never open. The bench with the broken leg! Remember? You’d say “Forget overthrowing the senate,-”

“I’d settle for a decent bench,” Shockwave finished. They wished they could smile. “And I fixed it myself in the end. Didn’t I?” they called out towards him. “My greatest achievement...  from fixing a bench to breaking the universe. How did that happen?” they said. They lifted their arm and tapped a few buttons on their forearm, the time drive powering off with a whirr. They threw the time drive down onto the ground before standing back and firing a powerful blast, destroying the device. “We’re going to have to run, the singularity is going to collapse on itself.“

The sounds of a ship were then heard from above. 

“Ahoy down there!” Rodimus’ voice called out. “Anyone order a last minute rescue?” 

The events of what just happened had left Shockwave’s mind going in a million different directions, they sat in an empty room of the Lost Light, after much debate had went on on whether or not Shockwave should have been thrown into the brig. After Rodimus had agreed to letting Shockwave stay in an empty berthroom until they got back to Cybertron where they would face trial. 

They sat in the dark of the berthroom on the edge of the berth, not having bothered to turn on the light, trying to make sense of everything, trying to… process millions of years of crimes and monstrosities they committed. All that manipulation, all that pain they had caused. The more they thought about it, the more everything began to feel numb. Their servos gripped their forearm, the other servos no longer there due to the cannon attached instead. Nonetheless, their servos gripped their forearm tightly, threatening to dent the metal there. 

“After all Shockwave did, not just now, with the ores and Nova and the Titan but throughout the war… Were you really able to look beyond all that and recognise them as your friend?” Shockwave could hear Megatron’s muffled voice asking someone this.

“Does it matter?” Orion’s voice then came next. 

“If it didn’t I wouldn’t ask,” Megatron replied. 

“Then you already know my answer,” Orion replied, the door opening, Megatron having walked off after hearing his reply. Shockwave didn’t bother to look up. They couldn’t bring themselves to. They simply stared forward, staring ahead as their servos continued to grip at their forearm, scratches beginning to develop. Regardless, they could feel Orion’s gaze on them and they heard him shuffle before joining them on the other edge of the berth, keeping his distance. He didn’t bother to turn on the lights in the berthroom. Instead he sat beside them from a distance, the two in complete silence. Orion was always patient. Shockwave knew that. And as much as they wanted to say something, the words always died in their throat before anything could come out. The silence was deafening and it only caused Shockwave to grow more and more anxious, their mind feeling like static, servos beginning to grip at their forearm even more, pain receptors beginning to go off but Shockwave ignored them. It was only when someone else’s servos grabbed theirs, gently prying them away from their self destructive state. As if the other person was familiar with how Shockwave got when they were anxious, as if he knew that Shockwave would wring their hands to the point it hurt when their anxiety got too much. Their golden optic blinked before meeting the soft blue gaze of Orion’s. Much to their surprise, his mask was off. Even in the dark lighting, they could see all the details. 

His appearance had changed drastically over the years. Scars from the war on his faceplate, usually hidden beneath his mask, one over the bridge of his nose, another above his dermas, one on his chin. Most importantly he looked tired. His young outlook on life, the one Shockwave was used to before being ripped away from him, no longer there. If Shockwave had a face, it would most likely be the same. They don’t realise when their servos goes to place itself on Orion’s cheek, their thumb tracing over one of his scars. Instead of Orion reacting negatively, his optics shut slowly, Shockwave feeling him press against their servos. Suddenly, Shockwave wants to cry. Their EM field feels scrambled with the amount of emotions they feel, it’s practically pouring out of them and it’s very easy for Orion to notice. It’s harder for Shockwave to identify how Orion is feeling, him being more in control of his EM field after having much more practice compared to them. Maybe they’re imagining it but they swear they can detect feelings of affection and… relief. Neither of them say anything. Instead, Orion rose slowly from his kneeling position and hugged Shockwave. And suddenly, his EM field is overwhelming as they detect everything he’s feeling, relief, affection, regret, heartache, love. Shockwave is awkward in the hug, their free servo frozen upward, unsure of what to do. He held them tightly, his helm nuzzling into their neck as they felt tears begin to drip down onto their chest plating. They knew it wasn’t theirs. They didn’t have the face to remotely be able to do that. No, it. It was Orion. Shockwave began to shake, realising what that meant. He still loved them. 

They shook within his grasp, attempting to pull away.

“I. I don’t want you to see me like this,” they finally said quietly. “Not after. Not after what I’ve done.” They can’t even look at him. But he doesn’t let go, moreso he can’t bring himself to.

“I can’t let go of you. Not when I finally have you back.”

“I don’t even look like me anymore. I. I’m a monster,” Shockwave replied quietly. “How can you love… this?”

“Because I never stopped loving you from the day I lost you.”

He kissed them. It was a gentle kiss, the feeling of static lacing the bottom of their optic as he held them close. His optics continued to stay shut tight, squeezing out years of tears as grief poured out of him. Shockwave shut offlined their optic as they hugged him back, letting grief overtake them. Even if Shockwave couldn’t cry, well. 

He’ll cry for the both of them.